GraphicActs Home

VerbaTim by Tim Mitchell


Jenny's Magic Penny

Jenny was riding the #6 bus home from work one day, when she found the penny. It was kind of beat-up looking, and instead of Abraham Lincoln, it had a picture of George Washington on it. Also, instead of copper, it was made of some kind of white metal. Oh yeah, and it was bigger and had a serrated edge.

This must be a MAGIC penny! Jenny thought to herself.

"This must be a MAGIC penny!" Jenny said out loud. (She wanted to tell the world.)

"Uh, that's a quarter" observed the guy in the seat behind her, and Jenny shot him the look she reserved for the unbelievers of this world. She also reserved it for renowned physicist Stephen Hawkings, in case she ever met him.

As Jenny glared and put the magic penny in her purse, the unfortunate man behind her shrank back, feeling oddly like Stephen Hawkings.

At the next stop, a distraught-looking woman clambered aboard the bus and frantically accosted the driver.

"My magic penny! I've lost my magic penny! It grants any wish you desire! Help me find my magic penny!" She shouted.

"Lady, you're insane" noticed the driver.

"Oh yeah" she remembered, and got off the bus.

But Jenny felt smugly vindicated, and began to plot world domination.

When Jenny got home, she slowly removed the weird-sized penny from her purse, and laid it reverently on the coffee table. She contemplated it for a second before making her first wish. She wasn't sure what to wish for, but then she realized she was hungry.

"I wish… I wish I would make dinner!" she said.

And she did.

It works! She thought triumphantly as she peeled a carrot and put some water on to boil.

As she ate her peeled, boiled carrot she began to put her plan into action.

"I wish" she said, concentrating hard on the magic penny, "I wish I was the only person in the whole world who could wear pants."

Suddenly, she heard shrieks of terror from the street down below. She looked outside, and saw everyone running hither and thither and herether and therether in sheer panic. Aside from a couple of women, one in a skirt and the other wearing a barrel (it was a poor, clichéd neighborhood) everyone was prancing around in their underpants. Jenny grinned evilly.

"And NO UNDERWEAR ALLOWED!" she thundered, pronouncing her coup de grace.

The screams intensified, mixed with several male voices saying things like "Um, urmph. Sure is cold out. Hrmph. Yep cold."

Six days later, Jenny had brought the world to its knees. No world leaders were brave enough to face this smug, clothed woman who, whenever negotiations got tense, mocked their genitalia. Plots to thwart her were generally conducted over the phone, and went something like this:

"Yeah, drop the bomb on her. Sounds good. Yep, we're all set. What, ME? I'M not going out like this!"

So, Jenny had herself crowned World Potentate and High Falutin' Boss of All of Youse. (She invented the title herself.)

Later, she got a call from the Former President of the United States of America Who Didn't Seem Like Such a Bigshot Now Without His Pants. (She thought up his new title, too.)

"Um, can we have our pants back, now?"

"Of course! I'm benevolent! You see, that was just a wish I made. I only wished away your pants so I could RULE THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHA!" replied Jenny, overdoing it a bit.

"Uh, yeah. I guess that makes sense. But, um, why didn't you just wish to rule the world in the first place?" asked the Former President.

"Oh. Duh." Said Jenny, absent-mindedly flipping a quarter


Tim Mitchell, Comedian

RSS Site Feed

The Onion
Star Tribune
Wired News
Southeast Angle

Chris Shillock
The Bleat
MN PR Blog