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VerbaTim by Tim Mitchell


03.24.01 -- The Apology For Being A Complete Prick Bastard Son-of-a-Bitch on the Internet

First off, by "apology," I mean it in the classical sense. As in "reason for," or if you're a total pussy, "excuse for." I sure hope none of the people I have trolled, tormented, tortured, pranked, put down, and persecuted over the years think they're going to get anything like an actual apology here. You were stupid and you deserved it.

Also, it's all non-prosecutable. Just try it. I will get publicity, and you will too. See, I am an advocate of free speech rights, and that's all the Internet is. Speech. Words. Sometimes annoying words. Sometimes hateful words, like "fag," "nigger," or "cunt." Sometimes words so threatening or frightening that they keep you up all night plotting revenge against the people who use them. That makes you more evil than the people who've offended you. And totally retarded to boot.

The Internet is (so far) the ultimate connection of human brain to human brain. Thoughts go from one person's brain, to their keyboard, to another person's screen, and straight to their brain in turn. Any attempt to stifle this process is a mechanism of the self-appointed thought police. And those people must be killed viciously, violently, and painfully.

Whoops. But that was obviously political satire.

The fact is, the Internet is where human beings can really let their ids run wild. Speaking for myself, I used to be a person capable of hideous violence and casual cruelty in the meatworld. But I am now a pacifist, lover of my fellow humans, pillar (and preacher) of tolerance for all races, religions, genders, and sexual orientations. What miracle of sociology has allowed me to reach this point? Um, the miracle of technology that, when that great raging beast tears at my breast with the urge to gnaw mercilessly on someone weaker and stupider than myself, has given me a place to find innocent, almost willing, victims. And that's just AOL.

With that, I'll end this with these simple words: Kill. Hurt. Maim. Destroy. Eviscerate. But do it with words. On the Internet. The world will be a better place for it.


Tim Mitchell, Comedian

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