VerbaTim by Tim Mitchell
03.24.01 -- The Apology For Being A Complete Prick Bastard Son-of-a-Bitch
on the Internet
First off, by "apology," I mean it in the classical sense.
As in "reason for," or if you're a total pussy, "excuse
for." I sure hope none of the people I have trolled, tormented, tortured,
pranked, put down, and persecuted over the years think they're going to
get anything like an actual apology here. You were stupid and you deserved
Also, it's all non-prosecutable. Just try it. I will get publicity, and
you will too. See, I am an advocate of free speech rights, and that's
all the Internet is. Speech. Words. Sometimes annoying words. Sometimes
hateful words, like "fag," "nigger," or "cunt."
Sometimes words so threatening or frightening that they keep you up all
night plotting revenge against the people who use them. That makes you
more evil than the people who've offended you. And totally retarded to
The Internet is (so far) the ultimate connection of human brain to human
brain. Thoughts go from one person's brain, to their keyboard, to another
person's screen, and straight to their brain in turn. Any
attempt to stifle this process is a mechanism of the self-appointed thought
police. And those people must be killed viciously, violently, and painfully.
Whoops. But that was obviously political satire.
The fact is, the Internet is where human beings can really let their
ids run wild. Speaking for myself, I used to be a person capable of hideous
violence and casual cruelty in the meatworld. But I am now a pacifist,
lover of my fellow humans, pillar (and preacher) of tolerance for all
races, religions, genders, and sexual orientations. What miracle of sociology
has allowed me to reach this point? Um, the miracle of technology
that, when that great raging beast tears at my breast with the urge to
gnaw mercilessly on someone weaker and stupider than myself, has given
me a place to find innocent, almost willing, victims. And that's just
With that, I'll end this with these simple words: Kill. Hurt. Maim. Destroy.
Eviscerate. But do it with words. On the Internet. The world will be a
better place for it.