VerbaTim by Tim Mitchell
The Fat Separator in World History
Well, since we didn't know what this thing is,
we figured we better do some research. We uncovered many fascinating facts
about the fat separator, and feel that our lives have been enhanced.
For example, did you know that the Trojan War wasn't
really fought because Helen of Troy was such hot stuff? (The truth is,
her face only launched two pontoon boats and a dinghy.) No, the Trojan
War was fought because when Helen split for Athens she took the only fat
separator in all of Troy with her. Faced with a future of greasy soups
and gravies, the Trojans took up arms and reclaimed their treasured kitchen
appliance. And ever since, the country they opposed has been known as
well, it's a cheap joke.
During the Dark Ages, the engineering skills necessary
to construct the fat separator were temporarily unavailable, so everybody
got really grumpy and invented the Black Plague and the Spanish Inquisition.
But then Leonardo da Vinci recreated the fat separator and ushered in
the Renaissance. The soft, golden glow of his paintings reflects the work
of a man at peace with his soup.
The infamous Mutiny on the Bounty occurred primarily
because Fletcher Christian and his men didn't have access to Captain Bligh's
fat separator. In his journal, Christian wrote "the crew is growing increasingly
restless. The gravies are insufferable, and many of the men are getting
lumpy thighs." Lumpy thighs are the last thing a guy wants on a long sea
voyage. Trust us.
Finally, the Communist regime of the USSR fell
primarily because of Russia's inability to build a technologically sound
fat separator. The Blorschtnik model, built in Bulgaria, worked well enough
but was the size of a nuclear submarine and required a diesel engine which
was prone to breakdown. Jealous of the sublimely simple fat separators
available in the West, the people of the Soviet Union clamored for freedom
from that scummy stuff floating on top. The result was the spread of worldwide
Democracy, the fall of the Berlin wall, and an actual shot at Olympic
gold for that annoying little succubus Keri Strugg. But George Bush still
couldn't get reelected. Ha ha ha.
So there you have it. The fat separator -- proof
that the human spirit will always triumph over threats of oppression and
icky gravy. And like that.