VerbaTim by Tim Mitchell
Tim's Cardiac Clue
So, I've dropped dead of a heart attack and everyone wants to know why.
Don't blame the voluminous amounts of liquor or the three packs of cigarettes
a day. And don't blame whatever strenuous activity I may have been up
to at the moment, such as trying to reenact one of the arena scenes from
"Gladiator" with a couple of swim noodles and a garbage can
It's not the motion, it's the meat.
Here are the suspects in Tim Mitchell's Cardiac Clue.
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Murder weapon: The Manning's Special. A 14-ounce hamburger slathered
in barbecue sauce, onions, and death. This thing is huge, and if you order
one of their "schooners" of beer, you can pretend to be a midget
while you eat. Especially deadly since Manning's is within a mile of my
Location: St. Louis, MO
Murder Weapon: Pulled Pork. Not a pulled pork sandwich,
or anything pussy like that. This is a big, heaping plate of pork served
with a fork and nothing else. As it should be. Also worth investigating
is that most barbecue in St. Louis is advertised as "Memphis style,"
while most barbecue in Memphis is advertised as "St. Louis style."
Location: Washington, DC
Suspect: The Austin Grill
Murder Weapon: The Carne Combo. The recipe for this carnivorous
delight is apparently "Take one cow. Filet. Serve." A steak,
a beef fajita taco, and a shredded beef enchilada. Probably the single
most harmful thing a human being can put in their body, and that includes
heroin and my dick.
Location: All over the goddamned place
Suspect: Timberlodge Steakhouse
Murder Weapon: Accessibility. I'm never out of reach of one of
these places, which serve vast rafts of beef and pork and always have
a full bar. This is the place you saw parodied on "Frasier,"
and they really do give you silverware the size of farming implements.
And the portions still look huge. Stuart Anderson is a pussy.