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News (or something like it)



Neener Neener

We are in Las Vegas. You are not. We are blinded by blinkey lights and strong, cheap drinks. We are never going to sleep again. You should take a nap.

We’re also trying out the process of remote updating/auto content generation. It might mess up horrbily, then you won’t have anything to read either.


TITS! We’re gonna see TITS!



Lisa Links

I've done a lot of web surfing in my time, and this has led me to one inescapable conclusion.

The ugliest, most irritating, most hate-inspiring web sites I've run across were all created by someone named "Lisa."




Well, let's see. Steph posts an essay with the goal of making me look like a total simp wussy. I love that woman. She'll get hers later.

Meanwhile, in the forums, Borisclamdigger requests photos of kitty cats. My reaction was, of course, an unsuccessful suicide attempt. (Tip: Thin Mints are not toxic, even in very high doses.)

Far-flinged on-the-spot correspondent Pat W/Rice took a more constructive approach, finding perhaps the only photo in existence of a cat that isn't totally gay. Here's the link.

Non-gay Cat Photo




Sounds like a hard-ass, doesn't he? Hmm. Maybe a "Tim is a softie" essay needs to be written?

-- Steph



The apology for being a complete prick bastard son-of-a-bitch on the Internet.




Do we here at GraphicActs support cruel humor at someone else's expense?

And how! Listen to this poor sap getting reamed out by his ex-girlfriend in the "voicemails" section. Now that's comedy!

Psycho Ex-Girlfriend



In the news today, K-Tel International has shut down its US music-distribution division and plans to liquidate it.

While I never bought a K-Tel album, as a kid I always wanted one. (You know the ones... "Is that Freedom Rock, Man? Well TURN IT UP!")

I have to feel that a little bit of American culture is dying with K-Tel. (Full article)

-- Steph

I tend to like two kinds of humor: totally evil and totally retarded.

Correspondent Pat W/Rice recently called this site to my attention. It's both. Check out the GIF movies. Warning: the site was apparently coded in HTML by blind monkeys.

-- Tim


Here's my first advertisement for Illegal Drugs® brand snack cakes.

Don't forget, I'd shoot you in the face for Illegal Drugs®!

-- Tim

Today the phone rings. Mind you, it's Sunday, and it's the day after Saint Patrick's day, so even my Italian wife is hungover.

"Hi! This is Todd from Video Update. I just wanted to remind you that you've had 'Inspector Gadget' for four days now, and haven't returned it."

That's right, motherfucker. We've got Inspector Gadget. If you ever want to see him again, play it cool and we'll tell you where to make the drop.




Today's news from Tim is not meant to reflect Steph's views. Although it may. We don't talk much.

Regarding the economic fucking goddamned sonofabitch fucker already had his shot at Yale and the oil business and daddy's goddamned motherfucking money... um. Crisis.

"We're having a confidence crisis, not an economic one," said Alfred E. Goldman, director of market analysis at A.G. Edwards & Sons Inc., a St. Louis-based brokerage. "There's a lot of extreme pessimism in the market now, and that's the kind of attitude you see when the market is near a bottom."

If Bush has no control or sway over the economy, why the living fuck did you vote for him?!? Speak up, you goddamned stupid twatfaced "thunk ah wuz rich enuff to be a Republican" porkheads!!

Note: I will be much calmer when I have not been set back five years. If any wise, rich Republicans wish to repay the goddamned motherfucking money I spent five years earning and lost in the last two goddamned motherfucking months, please contact me.

Your pal in Jesus,

-- Tim

Gee, all I gotta say is "Happy St. Patrick's Day" and watch out for the green beer.

-- Steph


We broke a record yesterday, over 50 hits in one day. Nifty. But where the hell are your doodles?

-- Steph

March 15, 2001

Sick of that "All Your Base" crap?

Use as needed

In other news, some (all?) of you may have noticed that Napster's servers are finally down. Go here:

The RIAA is predicting us retards can't figger it out the way we did with Napster. Huh. Download the program. Install. Start. Click the new "Napigator" tab it adds to Napster. Then, download all the Metallica, Dr. Dre, and Ted Nugent you want.

And boycott all CDs on RIAA labels until they come to terms with Shawn Fanning and Napster. We are.

-- Tim

March 14, 2001

Last night, one of the heads of our ISP dropped by to bring us Girl Scout cookies. Yes, that's just as weird as it sounds. We also get drunk with him whenever possible. I guess what I'm saying here is, if you're looking for a good ISP, find one that drinks and brings you cookies. I feel confident my ISP would raise bail money for me at 2:00 am. Would yours?

-- Tim

March 12, 2001

Isn't winter ever going to end? From the StarTribune:

4-6" expected Twin Cities forecast Mon Mar 12 07:30:06 CST 2001 Mon. 20/31 Tue. 23/34 Wed. 22/37 Thur. 24/38 Fri. 25/33 Monday ...Winter Weather Advisory with a Winter Storm Warning just south of the metro. Another 2-3" of accumulation, bringing storm totals into the 4-6" range, with the heaviest amounts over the southeast metro. Easterly winds of 10-20 mph Monday morning will shift to the northwest in the afternoon. High Monday: near 31 Monday night ...Snow tapers to flurries with little or additional accumulation conditions should improve. Low: 23

From Steph: THIS SUCKS!

-- Steph

March 9, 2001

Just wanted to extend a "thanks" to those folks who have been participating in our first week of the revamped GraphicActs. It must be the perfect web site since no one has emailed us a nastygram.

-- Steph

Can the Government stop us from selling Illegal Drugs® brand snack cakes? I don't think so.

Remember folks, kids love Illegal Drugs®!

Ask about getting in on this ground-floor snack cake opportunity, so you can proudly say "I'm a national distributor of Illegal Drugs®."

-- Tim

March 7, 2001

GraphicActs laboratories has tested and approved the following phrases to yell out of car windows at complete strangers:

  • Hey assbastard! Your Thermos is leaking!
  • Nice shoes, Amelia!
  • Holy Mother of Christ! I wouldn't fuck you if I had a coupon!
  • The dachshunds are coming! Run! The dachshunds are coming!
  • Classical harpsichord sucks!
  • Jesus loves you, motherfucker!

-- Tim

March 6, 2001

Earth invaded!


Suddenly, the door bursts open. It's the bellboy! He starts dancing around CATS, singing "HATT HATT BABY! HAW HAW!"

Thus the invasion is thwarted, via a string of geeky not-so-in-jokes that have just about run their course.

-- Tim

March 5, 2001

Here's a headline from today's news:

China's Zhu to Urge Hard Line on Falun Gong
That's exactly the hard-hitting kind of news we here at GraphicActs will strive to avoid. We aren't concerned about seeing phallic gongs at the zoo. At least, not if we have to go all the way to China. Let the phallic gongs come to us.

Meanwhile, over at the lead story is: A Safety Fight at the FAA

Holy shit! A safety fight at the FAA! Never mind that the Lord Jesus Christ has returned and is crashing at our place, and ran up a long-distance bill you wouldn't believe. There's a safety fight at the FAA! Our news will never be able to compete. We suck. I quit.

-- Tim

Guess the big news from my perspective would be the revamp. It's a work in progress. We've got the first few things in here, and now it's just a matter of content creation. You can help by posting on the message forum or submitting a doodle. C'mon, it's a hippie site! Contribute!


Tim Mitchell, Comedian

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