News (or something like it)
We are in Las Vegas. You are not. We are blinded by blinkey lights and
strong, cheap drinks. We are never going to sleep again. You should take
Were also trying out the process of remote updating/auto content
generation. It might mess up horrbily, then you wont have anything
to read either.
TITS! Were gonna see TITS!
I've done a lot of web surfing in my time, and this has led me to one
The ugliest, most irritating, most hate-inspiring web sites I've run
across were all created by someone named "Lisa."
Well, let's see. Steph posts an essay
with the goal of making me look like a total simp wussy. I love that woman.
She'll get hers later.
Meanwhile, in the forums, Borisclamdigger requests photos of kitty cats.
My reaction was, of course, an unsuccessful suicide attempt. (Tip: Thin
Mints are not toxic, even in very high doses.)
Far-flinged on-the-spot correspondent Pat W/Rice took a more constructive
approach, finding perhaps the only photo in existence of a cat that isn't
totally gay. Here's the link.
Sounds like a hard-ass, doesn't he? Hmm. Maybe a "Tim is a softie"
essay needs to be written?
The apology for being a complete prick bastard son-of-a-bitch on the
Do we here at GraphicActs support cruel humor at someone else's expense?
And how! Listen to this poor sap getting reamed out by his ex-girlfriend
in the "voicemails" section. Now that's comedy!
In the news today, K-Tel International has shut down its US music-distribution
division and plans to liquidate it.
While I never bought a K-Tel album, as a kid I always wanted one. (You
know the ones... "Is that Freedom Rock, Man? Well TURN IT UP!")
I have to feel that a little bit of American culture is dying with K-Tel.
I tend to like two kinds of humor: totally evil and totally
Correspondent Pat W/Rice recently called this
site to my attention. It's both. Check out the GIF movies. Warning:
the site was apparently coded in HTML by blind monkeys.
Here's my first advertisement for
Illegal Drugs® brand snack cakes.
Don't forget, I'd shoot you in the face for Illegal Drugs®!
Today the phone rings. Mind you, it's Sunday, and it's the
day after Saint Patrick's day, so even my Italian wife is hungover.
"Hi! This is Todd from Video Update. I just wanted
to remind you that you've had 'Inspector Gadget' for four days now, and
haven't returned it."
That's right, motherfucker.
We've got Inspector Gadget. If you ever want to see him again, play
it cool and we'll tell you where to make the drop.
Today's news from Tim is not meant to reflect Steph's views. Although
it may. We don't talk much.
Regarding the economic fucking goddamned sonofabitch fucker already
had his shot at Yale and the oil business and daddy's goddamned motherfucking
money... um. Crisis.
"We're having a confidence crisis, not an economic one," said Alfred
E. Goldman, director of market analysis at A.G. Edwards & Sons Inc.,
a St. Louis-based brokerage. "There's a lot of extreme pessimism in the
market now, and that's the kind of attitude you see when the market is
near a bottom."
If Bush has no control or sway over the economy, why the living fuck
did you vote for him?!? Speak up, you goddamned stupid twatfaced "thunk
ah wuz rich enuff to be a Republican" porkheads!!
Note: I will be much calmer when I have not been set back five years.
If any wise, rich Republicans wish to repay the goddamned motherfucking
money I spent five years earning and lost in the last two goddamned motherfucking
months, please contact me.
Your pal in Jesus,
Gee, all I gotta say is "Happy St. Patrick's Day"
and watch out for the green beer.
We broke a record yesterday, over 50 hits in one day. Nifty. But where
the hell are your doodles?
March 15, 2001
Sick of that "All Your Base" crap?
Use as needed
In other news, some (all?) of you may have noticed that Napster's servers
are finally down. Go here:
The RIAA is predicting us retards can't figger it out the way we did
with Napster. Huh. Download the program. Install. Start. Click the new
"Napigator" tab it adds to Napster. Then, download all the Metallica,
Dr. Dre, and Ted Nugent you want.
And boycott all CDs on RIAA labels until they come to terms with Shawn
Fanning and Napster. We are.
March 14, 2001
Last night, one of the heads of our ISP dropped by to bring us Girl Scout
cookies. Yes, that's just as weird as it sounds. We also get drunk with
him whenever possible. I guess what I'm saying here is, if you're looking
for a good ISP, find one that drinks and brings you cookies. I feel confident
my ISP would raise bail money for me at 2:00 am. Would yours?
March 12, 2001
Isn't winter ever going to end? From the StarTribune:
4-6" expected Twin Cities forecast Mon Mar 12 07:30:06 CST
2001 Mon. 20/31 Tue. 23/34 Wed. 22/37 Thur. 24/38 Fri. 25/33 Monday ...Winter
Weather Advisory with a Winter Storm Warning just south of the metro.
Another 2-3" of accumulation, bringing storm totals into the 4-6" range,
with the heaviest amounts over the southeast metro. Easterly winds of
10-20 mph Monday morning will shift to the northwest in the afternoon.
High Monday: near 31 Monday night ...Snow tapers to flurries with little
or additional accumulation expected...travel conditions should improve.
From Steph: THIS SUCKS!
March 9, 2001
Just wanted to extend a "thanks" to those folks
who have been participating in our first week of the revamped GraphicActs.
It must be the perfect web site since no one has emailed us a nastygram.
Can the Government stop us from selling Illegal Drugs®
brand snack cakes? I don't think so.
Remember folks, kids love Illegal Drugs®!
Ask about getting in on this ground-floor snack cake opportunity,
so you can proudly say "I'm a national distributor of Illegal Drugs®."
March 7, 2001
GraphicActs laboratories has tested and approved the following
phrases to yell out of car windows at complete strangers:
- Hey assbastard! Your Thermos is leaking!
- Nice shoes, Amelia!
- Holy Mother of Christ! I wouldn't fuck you if I had a coupon!
- The dachshunds are coming! Run! The dachshunds are coming!
- Classical harpsichord sucks!
- Jesus loves you, motherfucker!
March 6, 2001
CATS: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. TAKE OFF ALL SHOVER ROBOT! MOVE
Suddenly, the door bursts open. It's the bellboy! He starts dancing around
CATS, singing "HATT HATT BABY! HAW HAW!"
Thus the invasion is thwarted, via a string of geeky not-so-in-jokes
that have just about run their course.
March 5, 2001
Here's a headline from today's news:
Zhu to Urge Hard Line on Falun Gong
That's exactly the hard-hitting kind of news we here at GraphicActs will
strive to avoid. We aren't concerned about seeing phallic gongs at the
zoo. At least, not if we have to go all the way to China. Let the phallic
gongs come to us.
Meanwhile, over at www.time.com
the lead story is: A Safety Fight at the FAA
Holy shit! A safety fight at the FAA! Never mind that the
Lord Jesus Christ has returned and is crashing at our place, and ran up
a long-distance bill you wouldn't believe. There's a safety fight at the
FAA! Our news will never be able to compete. We suck. I quit.
Guess the big news from my perspective would be the revamp. It's a work
in progress. We've got the first few things in here, and now it's just a
matter of content creation. You can help by posting on the message forum
or submitting a doodle. C'mon, it's a hippie site! Contribute!